Suicidal Rythms of Life

I have been "homeless" for the past 23 days while awaiting to move into my apartment desperately, tormentingly and most aptly, adventurously considering the couches of undetermined owners I often shared with unknown people and the sleepless hostel nights spent calculating the weight of the stranger above me and the consequences of his fall on me, my family and the insurance company... day after day, phone call after phone call, signature after signature, until I was home YESSSSSSterday! As soon as I settled, a myriad of projects on hold suddenly resumed and I thought to myself:

We are always getting ready to live but never living. - Ralph Waldo

Dreams, Desires and Other Things I Used to Have

Many years ago, when asked about what items I would carry with me to a distant island, my answer would be too pragmatic (e.g. computer, books...) if not foolishly religious (e.g. bible). In diaries, I kept track of these answers that lacked imagination and audaciousness.

That was until these answers started unfolding into surreal imaginations to quench simple and basic desires that I often tried to express visually but failed immensely. For example, upon my discovering the inexorable satisfaction that the avocado fruit offered in terms of variety of flavors, vital shades of green, and palpable textures, that are unimaginably analogous to women's flavors (also metaphorically), skin tones and textures, I dreamed of inhabiting an island of infinite avocado and women trees, possibly with cross-breeds amongst the two species where women breast-feed, secrete and, but not necessarily, excrete avocado products, such as avocado milkshakes, guacamole and their cousins. I can vaguely remember if that was through a dream or a day-dream, however, I additionally reasoned that pregnancy was unnecessary as women were sporadically inseminated to reproduce asexually via avocado/women trees and other Daliesque elements...

The reason I am writing this leads to the main theme of this monologue.

I have lately been self-diagnosed with a mild chronic depression termed, dysthymia (greek for malfunctioning of emotions θυμία), if any at all (athymia), and anhedonia (also greek for absence of pleasure) and along these come also nihilistic feelings, lack of ambition and desirelessness, which to my great surprise, is considered as the highest state, or the nirvana in Buddhism, regardless of the paradox of having to desire desirelessness, which was never my case anyway.

Perhaps the surrealist "gyneavocado" island was one of the last dreams or desires I can remember or label earnestly as a dream/desire. Then for a long time I was catching up with the real world and its mundane routines, research projects and mislabeled opportunities...


With a PhD about immune-inspired document classification, I feel as if I have traveled lightyears away from the gyneavocado island I have once dreamed of. The path I have chosen was definitely misleading with respect to my ideal island and I have no idea which path, if any, would have lead anywhere towards it...

Happiness in retrospect is its own termite in prospect. It is even the termite of prospection. 2004, 2006 and 2008 promised me great happiness but did they keep it? That is the definition of beauty according to Stendhal. Interesting how even numbered years of the past decade have been significantly prosperous and prominent, but not 2010. I thought I would have graduated by 2010 and that must have thrown my passion to the nadirs.

Inspirational Message to the World

Have you ever considered, out of all odds, your chances of existing?

Biologically speaking, your chance of "being" is much less than one in a million. Roughly, 20 million sperms are ejaculated such that only one sperm, you a priori, unconsciously, would fertilize an egg and grow into your current being with whatever genetic code that victorious sperm has to unfold unto and into you.
Of course, that is assuming that your parents and their parents, etc, already existed. Otherwise, each generation would multiply the previous generations with the father's sperm fertilization chances 1/20 million, with the joint probability of the father having met the mother, 1/6 billion x 1/6 billion, which roughly amounts to 1/10^16 less per generation -- i.e 0.00000000000000001 less per generation.

Your existential probability will approach zero at an astounding rate that you won't even make it back to your first ancestor. Your existence after a few generations is less probable than your winning the lottery and being struck by a lightening on the same day assuming that you were alive that day. What does that zero probability mean? Do you really exist? Are you miraculously here or just an outcome of a random generation? Is that just your perspective or that of the other 6 billions -- or more. The answer might be as epistemistic as zeno's paradox.
Nonetheless, 9 months before you were given birth, "you", however unconsciously, were the fastest and strongest amongst millions of competitors in the toughest of endeavors. Even more retrospectively, "you" (a priori a priori) were a sparkle in your father's eyes, with the potential of manifesting into your current self, if not a genetic mutant of you. Your current existence is not to be taken for granted, neither it should be a sufficient reminder of a lifetime victory. Do not compare your self to others for there will always be better and worse and what are the others other than equally probable beings. You could be thinking about how lucky (or unlucky) you are to be here but you should be thinking about your about how meaningful life is and you MUST cherish every moment of it with all you have and all you can give. "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching".
If that is not convincing enough, the following testimonies and speeches MUST make the difference:

Randy Pauch's "Last Lecture" summarizing his life after it was claimed by cancer. Al Pacino's "Inspirational Speech" to the football team he coached. Rocky Balboa's inspirational speech to his son. The exceptional counter-intuitive inspirational report from SSCBS. Roberto Benigni's inspirational guidelines to poetry, if not his movie "life is beautiful". Paul's and Susan's motivational and goosebump-jerking clips. Max Ehrmann's elucidating poem. Baz Luhrman's sunscreen advice. Antonello Venditti's song. And finally Badgett's positive testimony.

"Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy — the joy of being SalvadorDalí – and I ask myself in rapture, What wonderful things is this Salvador Dali going to accomplish today" -- Salvador Dali