Sweet Dreams

Sometimes, although very rarely, but still, sometimes, I learn something about myself and I go WAAAAAW!

For example, the other day I realised that not only have I lost interest in dreams and lucid dreams but I started forgetting all my dreams and even forgetting whether I was writing down my dreams upon waking up as if that part taking notes has agglomerated and become part of my dreams lost to OBLIVION!

OUBLIONS tout sauf le faite que nous oublions tout juste en cas ou nous avons envie de revenir en arrière un jour et nous demander qui sommes nous, au moins nous dirons nous l'avons oublié au lieu de croire que nous somme ce que nous ne somme pas.

Lucid Dreaming my Folks back Home

The closest I have been to lucid dreaming (ld) was passing the reality check and getting so excited that I was lucid in my dreams that I would wake up instantly afterwards ironically from the fear of waking up and loosing the lucid dream. Well that was until last night, after a series of many attempts and years of having given up on lucid dreaming.

Before going to bed, I planned visiting my hometown in Lebanon, meeting my folks and ultimately checking what's in my 3rd drawer facing my bed as a ld exercise. I had previously read so much about ld techniques and reality checks and awareness games that it ought to finally work.

I recall good fragments of my dream but not all of it. I remember meeting my parents by surprise which brought extreme joy to their hearts. I was aware of this being a dream and it did not want to share this information with them. I was happy to see them but again wished it was for real. I went to my room and checked to the drawer but it was very hazy and unclear. I felt my body vibrating in bed at that time and lots of energy was put in remembering or reconstructing from false or true memories what was in this drawer.

In my ld, I had a dream of me transferring a pine tree branch from the dream to the lucid dream which was not becoming more like a reality, possibly because I have not been doing any reality checks or because a dream within a dream is pretty tippy anyway. In my ld I was telling my folks about how I was able to get a branch from Lebanon to Paris.  I thought that was awesome,

La tercera dimension de un mundo que no existe

Dreams, Desires and Other Things I Used to Have

Many years ago, when asked about what items I would carry with me to a distant island, my answer would be too pragmatic (e.g. computer, books...) if not foolishly religious (e.g. bible). In diaries, I kept track of these answers that lacked imagination and audaciousness.

That was until these answers started unfolding into surreal imaginations to quench simple and basic desires that I often tried to express visually but failed immensely. For example, upon my discovering the inexorable satisfaction that the avocado fruit offered in terms of variety of flavors, vital shades of green, and palpable textures, that are unimaginably analogous to women's flavors (also metaphorically), skin tones and textures, I dreamed of inhabiting an island of infinite avocado and women trees, possibly with cross-breeds amongst the two species where women breast-feed, secrete and, but not necessarily, excrete avocado products, such as avocado milkshakes, guacamole and their cousins. I can vaguely remember if that was through a dream or a day-dream, however, I additionally reasoned that pregnancy was unnecessary as women were sporadically inseminated to reproduce asexually via avocado/women trees and other Daliesque elements...

The reason I am writing this leads to the main theme of this monologue.

I have lately been self-diagnosed with a mild chronic depression termed, dysthymia (greek for malfunctioning of emotions θυμία), if any at all (athymia), and anhedonia (also greek for absence of pleasure) and along these come also nihilistic feelings, lack of ambition and desirelessness, which to my great surprise, is considered as the highest state, or the nirvana in Buddhism, regardless of the paradox of having to desire desirelessness, which was never my case anyway.

Perhaps the surrealist "gyneavocado" island was one of the last dreams or desires I can remember or label earnestly as a dream/desire. Then for a long time I was catching up with the real world and its mundane routines, research projects and mislabeled opportunities...


With a PhD about immune-inspired document classification, I feel as if I have traveled lightyears away from the gyneavocado island I have once dreamed of. The path I have chosen was definitely misleading with respect to my ideal island and I have no idea which path, if any, would have lead anywhere towards it...

Happiness in retrospect is its own termite in prospect. It is even the termite of prospection. 2004, 2006 and 2008 promised me great happiness but did they keep it? That is the definition of beauty according to Stendhal. Interesting how even numbered years of the past decade have been significantly prosperous and prominent, but not 2010. I thought I would have graduated by 2010 and that must have thrown my passion to the nadirs.