When was the last time...

When was the last time you observed your surrounding all mesmerized,  when was the last time your heart skipped a beat for misplacing your wallet in your left pocket for a fraction of a second and you were aware of that moment? When was the last time you were told you cannot travel because your passport expires in 5 months at the gate though you always thought that they did not want you where  you lived?  How does it feel after planning for the trip for months and saving for it for years? How does it feel  when this person who was hindering your dream was turned down by her superior who has humane qualities left in her for compassion . I only wish ppl traveled more often. 

Then it might feel  urgent to append what follows.  A man in his mid 40s enters the plane confusing the gate number with the seat number just in front of me.  He only had his home printed ticket with no seat information.  However,  finally he is aware of the ticket given at check-in and guess where he is destined to sit for the next 10 hours? Yes,  next to me,  lucky me to share half a day with a half brained adult.  But before I finish my sentence he is already gone scouting for another seat.  What can I add after this ?

Introspective physiology

I have observed that my life can be reduced into long and empty intervals of time separating heart breaks. I have equally observed that during those heart breaks, my body can be reduced to a few organs, namely a nose, a larynx and a heart that Biology must have always confused with lungs.

I am vaguely aware of anything besides the air entering my nose and flowing to my lungs or heart through the larynx as I breath my present existence. More precisely, I sense an infinitely thin thread puncturing my larynx all the way to my heart. More than a piercing in my heart, I feel an entanglement possibly by the very thread therein.

An invisible weight hibernates at the bottom end of my heart as if chained with and suspended from the thread entering my larynx. No matter how hard I inhale or how much air I try to fill my lungs with, I feel a lack of oxygen as if there was a hole in my lungs (or heart). While the hole hypothesis is ridiculed by science, I adopt the alternative hypothesis claiming that my lungs must be filled with tiny men breathing my oxygen into their own lungs, that are perhaps filled fractally and recursively with tinier men and so on and so forth (see below). The lack of oxygen induces an inner pressure that is often unbearable and analogous to an ever-going implosion.

Heart breaks are not only the product of  personal relationships but a myriad of existential events and encounters such as personal, professional, and intra-personal achievements, disappointments and life-decisions. Personally and professionally, I have put my heart on the (thin) line separating arts from science and that very life-decision, with all its bells and whistles, exhibitions and conferences, ups and downs, breaks my heart chronically.

But how much worse are those long and empty time intervals with pointless invisible walls and no notions of time and space? When not heart broken my perception is perhaps more pathetic as my self is extended and contained in all that I see. I become all I see with my eyes and imagine in my third eye that is including the people, animals, places..etc around me and those not around me. The latter might defy the laws of physics, however, it is known to science and to most men that we are all made of atoms and more universally even sung with a twist of wording towards us coming from stardust. All this empty wholeness makes me feel as if my heart was floating in liquids of unknown substances and unpredictable properties. This puts me under more pressure and makes me anxious to the point of desiring what is to eventually break my heart, over and over...